Problem
Read the essay below.
The connection between a country's wealth and its population's health is significant and intricate and has far-reaching ramifications for individuals, communities, and countries. Many studies have shown that financial health is a significant factor in determining overall physical health. This relationship between the two has been well-documented. As a result, the state of a person's finances has the potential to influence their general health and well-being substantially.
The availability of medical care serves as the clearest illustration of this connection. Individuals who are not concerned about their financial situation are more likely to be able to afford appropriate medical care, which in turn leads to improved health results. On the other hand, those who live in poverty frequently do not have access to medical treatment, which results in greater rates of disease and illness. According to a body of academic research, people living in poverty have an increased risk of developing long-term health conditions such as diabetes, cardiovascular disease, and mental health disorders. They do not have enough access to medical care, which is a major contributor to this problem.
The availability of nutrient-dense food is another crucial component in understanding the link between affluence and health. Those who live in poverty frequently lack the finances necessary to purchase nutritious food, contributing to the increased incidence of obesity and malnutrition. This is especially true for children living in poverty since they are more prone to suffer from poor nutrition due to their restricted access to food that is beneficial for them.
The connection between one's health and wealth is also intricately entwined with one's financial stability. Individuals who do not have to worry about their financial situation are more likely to be able to access educational and employment opportunities, which ultimately leads to improved economic outcomes. On the other hand, those who live in poverty frequently do not have access to job prospects or educational resources, which results in higher rates of unemployment and increased rates of poverty.
Finally, there is a connection between social capital and the relationship that exists between health and money. Individuals who do not have to worry about their financial situation are more likely to have access to social networks and support systems, which results in a higher level of social cohesion. On the other hand, those who live in poverty frequently do not have access to social networks, which results in increased social isolation and a lack of social support.
Task
Select a sentence from the above essay that could be made more concise.
a) Post the original sentence.
b) Revise the sentence to make it more concise. Be sure to indicate your revisions in bold type.
c) Using what you have learned about the functions of commas, demonstrate informed and deliberate choices about comma use in your revised sentence.
d) Demonstrate the grammar and writing skills covered in previous weeks.