Assignment Task:
Reply to Angelique
Option: Premarital couple who have had an "on again-off again" relationship.
This week's prompt felt almost uncanny because I didn't have to imagine what it would be like to work with an on-again, off-again premarital couple. I actually lived through that exact scenario early in my counseling career. I remember pulling up the practice and seeing a woman sitting on the curb and a man sitting in the car, both looking exhausted and emotionally drained. Before they even sat down, they told me, "If you can't help us, we're breaking up tonight." To break the tension, I joked, "Well, no pressure at all." They exhaled and even chuckled, and that one moment carried us into what turned into a memorable and unpredictable counseling journey.
Their relationship bounced back from one extreme to another. One week they had broken up and moved to different states, completely done with each other. The next week, they were reconnecting over a romantic weekend and suddenly announcing their engagement. I remember saying to myself, "Engaged!?! When did y'all even start talking again?" Yet even with all their ups and downs, God had a plan. A few years later, the husband reached out to thank me, and his wife sent an email to the practice sharing that they were now married and serving in ministry. All I could say internally was, "Ain't God good and won't He do it!" Even now, I still tense up remembering those sessions...but God!!
If a couple like that came into my office today, engaged but weary from a year-and-a-half of fighting, I would start with the basics. I'd ask what brought them in, whose idea it was to seek counseling, and why the other partner agreed. Those simple questions reveal a lot about motivation and readiness. Then I like to hear their love story. What drew them together? What stood out about the other person? What made them say "yes" to engagement? Their answers usually help me understand where they are stepping toward marriage out of clarity or out of fear, pressure, obligation, or emotional intensity.
Once we talk about their story and their "why," I shift into understanding how their conflict actually plays out. Couples who "break up to make up" as The Stylistics (1973) song about the pattern that tend to fall into a predictable emotional cycles; things get intense, someone gets hurt, one partner pulls away, and then they somehow end up back together without ever resolving the underlying issue. I ask simple questions like, "What usually sets things off?" or "What's happening right before things go left?" Hearing each partner describe the same moment from their unique perspective reveals a lot about their emotional blind spots. Provers 15:1 reminds us that "a gentle answer turns away wrath," and that verse often helps them see that it is not always the topic of the disagreement, it is the tone, timing, and emotional triggers. By giving them a point of reference, it helps them to slow down the emotional avalanche and respond instead of reacting is usually our starting point.
Research supports this approach, also. Asadpour et al. (2025) found that premarital programs that focus on strengthening attachment and emotional maturity help couples communicate more effectively and navigate conflict without being overwhelmed. That kind of grounding is especially helpful for couples who experience big emotional swings. It would also be good to incorporate a more structured approach, since research by Yavuzer and Doganülkü (2024) suggest that when couples learn to view their relationship as a system, rather than two individuals fighting separate battles, they gain a more balanced understanding of each other. Couples who have a history of breaking up and getting back together often benefit greatly from that level of clarity.
Another area I pay attention to is expectations. Many couples enter engagement with ideas shaped by social media, their upbringing, or romanticized views of marriage. When those expectations are unrealistic, conflict shows up quickly. Rajabi and Abbasi (2020) noted that premarital education can help couples identify and adjust those idealistic expectations before they create disappointment. For couples who emotions run "hot and fast," grounding their expectations can reduce unnecessary conflict.
Structured relationship education can also help stabilize couples who feel overwhelmed by conflict. Harris et al. (2024) found that premarital programs that teach practical communication and problem-solving skills leave couples feeling more confident and prepared for long-lasting partnership. When a couple tends to break up whenever things get difficult, having tools in place makes a huge difference.
It is also valuable to help partners grow in self-awareness. Research by Seyyedhassantehrani et al. (2021 show that premarital programs that focus on emotional awareness, acceptance, responsibility, and adjustment lead to healthier relationship patterns. When partners understand how they show up emotionally, they often become more patient and thoughtful during conflict.
For some couples, especially those who jump to conclusions or assume the worst during disagreements, cognitive-behavioral strategies can help. Miab et al. (2023) found that premarital education focused on identifying risk factors and strengthening resilience improves couples' overall well-being. Learning how to slow their thinking and challenge negative assumptions often helps them communicate more clearly instead of reacting out of fear, frustration, or anger.
Since many couples see Christian premarital counseling, it helps that God's Word is used as an agent to naturally calm conflict and instills grace within the relationship setting (Ephesians 4:2-3; 1 Peter 4:8). God's word is not meant as a means to avoid issues, but to build a relationship grounded in love and forgiveness. When couples let God guide their communication, their emotional pattern often began to shift.
At the end of the day, premarital counseling is not just about preparing for a wedding. It is about slowing down the process, looking honestly at the relationship, and deciding whether they are building something that can last. The role of a counselor is never to force a marriage to happen or hold one back, it is to help couples build a foundation that can support a lifetime together. Also, if God decides to bring order into a relationship that once felt chaotic, just like the couple who walked into my office ready to call it quits, then all I can say is, "To God be the absolute glory" and "Won't He do it!" Need Assignment Help?
References:
Asadpour, E., Sharei, A., & Salmani, A. (2025). Premarital intervention based on attachment and differentiation improves communication and conflict management in Iranian couples. Scientific Reports (Nature Publisher Group), 15(1), 29151.
Harris, V. W., Park, C., Visconti, B., Varona, C. D., Nesbit, T., & Longley, C. (2024). Before you tie the knot: Impacts, outcomes, and lessons learned from a federally-funded premarital education case study. Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy, 23(4), 333-365.
Miab, A. S., Shafiabady, A., Chlicheh, K. S., Shamir, A. S., & Jafari, A. (2023). The effectiveness of premarital education based on risk factors with a cognitive-behavioral approach on resilience and life quality of engaged couples.
Rajabi, G., & Abbasi, G. (2020). The effectiveness of premarital counseling based on a relationship education program on the idealistic expectations of single young adults.
Seyyedhassantehrani, m., Kakabraei, K., &amiri, h. (2021). Preparing the four-dimensional model of premarital consuling and its effects on awareness, acceptance, responsibility and marriage adjustment.
The Stylistics. (1973). Break up to make up [Song]. Avco Records.
Yavuzer, Y., &Doganülkü, H. A. (2024). Development of a systemic premarital counselling programme and evaluating its impact on young adults' couple relationships: A pilot study: Research and Reviews. Current Psychology, 43(6), 5179-5192.