Could you please change the wordings and sentences of the following career networking letter? Thank you!
My name is John. I was given your name by Mr. Shaw who happens to be an employee in your firm. I'm very much interested in working in the sales and marketing arenas of the finance industry, but do not feel that I have enough current information in this field. I thought that if I could talk to someone knowledgeable in sales and marketing, like you, I would have a clearer picture of the profession. I've heard that your department has been doing some very creative things, particularly with your recent commissioning campaign. I would like to get your personal opinion about corporate banking sales and would enjoy the opportunity of having a phone conversation with you to discuss your views.