Problem:
Using wallaces book: Family Violence: Legal, Medical, and Social Perspectives, Latest Edition, Allyn & Bacon, ISBN #0205319017.
How do we change our behavior as bystanders or witnesses to family violence? What is the appropriate response? Need Assignment Help?
I think we often are afraid of other people's reactions and so we do nothing, but parents get overwrought. They are exhausted, children work their last nerve, etc. There are many ways of intervening that require less bureacracy or formal intervention.
1. Saying the social norm out loud. example: when I am in a grocery store and someone hits their kid, however slight, I say, "it is never okay to hit someone else, especially people who are smaller and weaker than you." I might get a nasty look, but hitting stops and child hears that someone else thought it was NOT okay. They might get abused more at home--that is a risk you take here. But as a child who was abused, I wish ANYONE would have said it was not okay.
2. Helping the parent see that the child is just a child. Example: when I see a mother getting overwhelmed by children's naughty behavior and her anger rising, sometimes I smile and say, "my son always seems to act his worse in public and when I have a million things to do so I can be frustrated and embarrassed. Sometimes I have to remind myself he isn't an evil mastermind who is plotting to make my life extra hard." and then I laugh...it helps diffuse the rising anger and embarrassment. Or when a child is acting out in line or at a restaurant or something where the mom clearly feels like she is "supposed" to be controlling her child, I'll say something like, "thank goodness I had daycare today, my son can make shopping so hard." Just to let her know that not everyone is judging her as a bad mom...which really ramps up the pressure on moms.
3. speaking out so that the child hears and the parent hears how they sound to others and don't worry about parent's feelings. For example, one time in Target I heard a mom tell a teenage girl who was complaining that a particular outfit was too short and it made her uncomfortable, "I don't care if it is too short. If this is what your boss says you have to wear to work, this is what you have to wear." I looked squarely at the mom and said, "so when her boss says she has to sleep with him, will she have to do that too?" They both had their mouths wide open, but it gave the mom a chance to hear the message she was sending to her teenage daughter. I do not know that I improved her situation, but I clearly sent an opposite message.
4. Say something to my companion within hearing range of the other person. For example, when I overhear a parent say something damaging to a child, I will say loudly to my son/daughter/friend, "I think every child is precious and I really hate it when people say mean things to them, don't you?" or "That little boy is not stupid, he is just having a bad day/made a bad choice/etc." I am not stopping the abuse, but I am letting the child know that someone else doesn't think that about him (one of the worst parts of child abuse is that everyone knows and no one says/does anything which makes you BELIEVE you deserve it and that everyone thinks you are bad/stupid/evil/worthless/unlovable/etc.)
5. Offer your services. I have invited neighbor kids over to give the mom a break or offered to come over and let our kids play while we relax. Isolation and frustration are common stressors for all parents.
The point here is that it is not just family changes that have led to more bureaucracy that invades parents and children's lives, it is the fact that we, as neighbors, friends, classmates, colleagues, etc. fail to step in and help/intervene, etc.
One thing people have said to me is that the parent might assault me. True, they might, but I'm a grown adult, not a child and hitting me would be assault. Unfortunately, hitting children is still broadly accepted (though by much lower margins than before).
What strategies do you think we should complete being bystanders?