Your tutor has written overview comments about your essay in the form below. Your tutor has also embedded comments [in bold and in brackets] within your essay. Thank you for choosing Smarthinking to help you improve your writing!
Hello, Alexander! My name is Cecilia K. and I look forward to working with you on this Extended Essay Review to improve your writing today. Let's get started!
*Writing Strength: The idea of "tempered expectations" that you bring up towards the end of your essay is interesting. Readers might get the impression that "failure" isn't an option if expectations are "tempered." Reminding your readers of this idea can help them ease the anxiety they might feel when following their dreams. Good job!
*Alexander 9502606 has requested that you respond to the Main Idea/Thesis: You may need to focus a little more closely on what the question is asking. It seems that your paper is developed around the fears and challenges of following your passion. However, the question may be asking: What dream would you follow and why? Somewhere in the opening paragraph, you might identify your dream/passion. Then, you could give three reasons why you'd follow that dream. Or, you could give three characteristics you possess that would not allow you to fail. So, for your thesis statement-somewhere near the end of the opening paragraph perhaps-you might state that you would like to develop mobile application software. Then, you could give three reasons why you would like to follow that dream or three characteristics you possess that would prevent you from failing to reach that dream. This list of "three points" could then serve as your "map" for your readers as they read.
*Alexander 9502606 has requested that you respond to the Content Development: Once you have your three points, you could address each one separately in the body of your paper. For each paragraph, you could:
1) Begin with a topic sentence that relates back to the first point you'll identify in the opening paragraph.
2) Provide a specific example from your life or observations that illustrates that point.
3) Relate that specific example back to your original claim/topic sentence.
Right now, the content seems to be developed with definitions and technical language. Instead, you might draw from personal observations, experiences, and stories with which your readers could connect.